Toy Clouds

Sometimes when I am on the brink of drowning and relinquishing control to the enervating forces which desire to toss me into the claws of the jagged rocks, I look up at the surface, as I am sure Peter must have done...and I wait. Because something inside of me tells me that "Who" will come. Something reminds me that he always does. It's never too late. Even if it was me who waded out past the stripped and splintered planks of my boat remains, into the mouth of a squall...he's been my hero, unconditionally. I'm never too far out for him to reach. No matter how loud the winds that scream at me, and how deafening the thunder claps, and how mute my ears become when the water pulls me under...I always hear his voice when he calls out my name. And suddenly, with this epiphany,  survival becomes clear to me. He is my oars, my sail, my anchor, my boat, my map, my shore. And if he is all of those things, then there is no way they can be destroyed by the dark ocean. My sails can't be ripped apart, my oars cannot be swallowed up,  and my boat can't sink. If he is my map, I cannot lose my way and I WILL make it to my destination. These dark clouds that have been looming past me, soaking up my tears and drowning me in them. The storm clouds I have felt were impossible to escape. They suddenly break apart at broken hinges and fall from the sky, plunging into the sea like toys dropped into a bathtub.

So, here I am. My head under water. The predators of the deep, pulling me down, telling me to give in to that which overpowers me. Here I am, away from my boat, lost at sea, man overboard...ready to drown and disappear forever...When I hear the most beautiful sound...the voice of many waters...calling my name. His voice is like a blanket of solace, mellifluous and commanding. And his hand, illuminated by light, pierces through the tumultuous waves and reaches for me..and all the predators flee...and the growling storm, foaming at the mouth, begins to calm. And the darkness recedes. Because he is like a roaring lion amongst mere dogs. His love is dripping light like liquid gold from the mercy seat, sweet and inviting as myrrh, powerful and affirming as the elements he created. His eyes are omniscient and when I gaze upon them, I forget the feeling, the very existence, of fear. He looks into my heart and I feel him standing in the emptiness it often becomes. His presence fills it up and it overflows. He pulls me out from under the crushing waves and gathers me up in his embrace. He carries me out and away from the darkness. I never want to be out of his arms again. I want to freeze in this moment for an eternity. In his arms, I remember who I really am and who I am to him. I want to tell him I'm sorry but suddenly realize that my guilt had sloughed off of me and fallen to the dark ocean floor when he grabbed my hand. I want to tell him I love him but the only word I have to describe the magnitude of what I feel is "Jesus." So I just say his name again and again. And every time I say his name, I increasingly forget the pain and distress of the night. He carries me away from it all. He carries me away from the messes I create. He carries me away from the world. And he will always carry me. He'll carry me through every storm laden journey. He'll carry me when I can't walk anymore. He'll carry me. Until the day he carries me home. And his arms will always be home. You can have your heaven, your diamond studded clouds, your nirvana, your fame and glory, you can have all riches and power. You can have all the things this earth has to offer. But give me Jesus. That's all I want.

Suddenly, I am back in my boat. And I realize that there is no way I am falling out again. And a smile plays at my lips. And I close my eyes and sigh.


This song further explicates the nature of this post.

"Times"

I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long

I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done

Are You done forgiving
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real

The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend

Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends, mmmm

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh