So, now I was in the labor room. And to make a long, long story short.. I did end up having crazy contractions, which they called cluster contractions. This type didn't give me much of a break. Nothing prepared me for the intensity. Not the little exercises in the birthing classes, like grasping ice in our hands for an entire minute. Not the millions of books I read. Not vicarious encounters. Nothing.
I watched the machine as it recorded my contractions and spit out the thin paper. They no longer looked like a row of mountains, but like ubiquitous plateaus. That flat, horizontal line scratched across the page. Like a desert. I felt like I was walking it. Dragging my feet in the sand as the sun pelted down its rays on me. And my belly was pulling me down, wanting to drop like rain and rest below me. My belly was shapeshifting. Stiffening, tightening, curling up into a ball before expanding like an exploding star. That flat, horizontal line which illustrated the peak and plateau of my contractions. I was tightrope walking on it. My belly kept me centered, prevented me from falling off. I held my breath as the pain pulsed and then I let it go. I walked that thin, seemingly eternal tightrope line. And I looked down and saw clouds. And below the clouds, seemingly eternal desert plain. And I carried the raine.
And just as I thought I would fall off the last plateau..jump off like a diver off a cliff. Crash, face first into quiet sea foam, below. Let the cool blue and quiet grey absorb me. I felt the arms that always catch me, heal me, help me, protect me, deliver me. Deliver her. His face and smile. Warm breeze. Cool mist. Reassurance.
There were some complications. Nothing major. But I ended up with a fever during labor. Hence, the desert sun.. So, they had to administer precautionary antibiotics to me and the baby. But she was fine. Perfectly and perfect.
When I first saw her. She was violetpink. She was the most beautiful child, person, single-living thing, I had ever laid eyes on. And when they laid her on my chest. And for the first time, her blue gem eyes locked onto my tired eyes. And she stopped crying. And I knew this is my Raine. This is my daughter. And I am her mother. I traversed the desert, that horizontal line. And He offered me a cool drink.
Fevered
Sun pelted down
Crawling on hands
And knees in the desert
plain
stretching
Plateau
Until
I held
my breath
When I saw
You
and
Waited for your breath
To first begin
You
Violet
Pink and grey
Tiny
And now I
Think and say
That moment defined
This current smile
That flickers and illuminates
My face
Everlasting love
I held you
for a long while
And your crying
quelled
By our
forever bond
Your squinting eyes
Trying to focus in
On this
Thing
This wayward world
I focus in on
You
You are
my Raine
Adorned
pearled
Gentle hands
And gently falling from the clouds
Dazzling
drops
Dripping
seeping through heaven's
Winding white sheets
Monday, September 2, 2013
Labor and Birth: Part 1
Ok, so I have another moment to write a blog since I actually got my daughter to sleep-and stay asleep- in her bouncer, but I'm not sure how long that will last, so I will try and make this brief! So, as previously stated in my last post, my daughter, Violet Raine was born on July 30, 2013! She is 5 weeks old tomorrow! I don't have time to divulge every detail of my labor, but here is a brief recap of that blessed day!
I had been having strong and frequent braxton hicks contractions for the past couple weeks prior to D-day, and while I thought that might be indicative of soon-impending labor, I also didn't think much into it because I had been having braxton hicks since I was around 20 weeks. I was a week away from my due date, and as most pregnant women in their final week, I was anxious for her to come because I didn't want to be overdue and/or induced. And according to a recent check-up, I was neither dilated nor effaced, so I was anticipating being overdue. But I prayed about it because I knew that induction increases the chance of complications, C-sections and also the likelihood of receiving an epidural. Additionally, my midwife was suggesting she strip my membranes if I didn't go into labor within the week; my only thoughts about that were: "Ouch", "yuck", and "nope". I was starting to have a lot of anxiety about being overdue and having to be induced or other possibilities. So, I literally prayed about this and several minutes later, I got my first contraction. It was around 10pm. It was bedtime; I prayed, turned out the lights, and went to sleep. As I was laying down, I felt it. Having never experienced a contraction before, I was initially unsure that that was what it was. It is difficult to explain how it felt, but it was just really uncomfortable and felt like an intense cramp. It definitely woke me up, but I blew it off as the baby grinding against my bladder or pelvis. But as I lay, half asleep in bed, I began reasoning with myself, reminding myself that the baby "grinding against my bladder" never felt painful, let alone this painful, just different. Again, I blew it off and began drifting back to sleep until it happened again. It was so uncomfortable, I tried to get up while it was happening but it hurt to move or change positions. I had to wait until it was over to get up. At this point, I was partially excited and partially worried. I knew that this was definitely something happening but worried that if it wasn't labor, it had to be something else wrong with me. Before waking EA, I waited to see if it happened again...and about 10 minutes later, it did! I was now more certain that this was, indeed, labor. (It takes a lot to convince me, apparently). At this point I woke him and told him that I thought I was having contractions. So he started timing them and, sure enough, more were coming. He texted his NCOs to let them know he wouldn't be coming in today since I was in labor, but I didn't want him to do that, in case I wasn't in labor. (Despite obvious contractions, I guess I still needed more convincing). I told him that if I got three more of these "painful episodes", I would then be convinced that it was labor. Haha. Well, they came, now at about 5-8 minute intervals, and they were stronger. Finally, I was convinced! And excited! I called labor and delivery and they told me to come in once I have been having contractions every 3-5 minutes, consistently, for an hour. So, I got out my birthing ball and started laboring at home while EA packed our hospital bag. (No, we didn't have it fully backed, even days before my due date.) I wanted to labor as long as possible at home so that I would limit the opportunities anyone could push an epidural on me. Earlier in my pregnancy, I went to a L&D tour with some pregnant friends and the anesthesiologist kind of ridiculed the idea of a woman opting out of an epidural when she had an opportunity to instantly escape excruciating pain. He obviously doesn't get or he is just interested in getting a paycheck. I am betting on the latter. Anyway, I called my mom to tell her the news, but hung up with her every time a contraction came because, at this point, it was getting difficult to talk during contractions. My mom was actually surprised that my contractions were progressing and intensifying so quickly. Fast forward a few hours, and it was about 4:30am. By this time, I was getting contractions ever 1-5 minutes and they were extremely intense. I knew it was time for us to go to the hospital and probably should have left a while ago.
I remember standing up to put a little makeup on and brush my teeth before we left, but had to immediately sit down because getting a contraction while I was standing was excruciating and paralyzing! I couldn't move for the entire contraction! I don't even know how to describe it, but I'll try. It felt like Ryu fired a close range hadouken to my core, at the same time as someone shooting me with a taser, at the same time as MMA fighter, Cung Le, punching me. Ya, that's about right. Anyway, at this point, EA was rushing to get the car seat and birthing ball into the car and we finally left. I started progressing really fast and by the time I got into the car, my contractions were around every 1-2 minutes and they were so intense that I was no longer talking, laughing and back to normal in-between. (I later learned I was having abnormal and intense cluster contractions, caused by the baby's position). EA literally had to pull the car over and put the hazard lights on at every contraction because the movement of the car was making them a hundred times worse! Finally, at about 6am, we got to labor and delivery! I had been laboring for 8 hours at home and so, I was anxious for them to admit me! And they did! I was 100% effaced and 4cm. They asked me for my birth plan and whether or not I wanted an epidural. I declined the epidural but told them it wasn't completely out of the question. The admitting nurse was a jerk to me, too. Fortunately, she wasn't my L&D nurse (who were amazing, by the way). But when I told her I didn't want an epidural, she went on to tell me that that was dumb because labor was going to get 100 times worse, even though I was already in active labor. Thanks for the info!… And then I was off to the birthing room..
I had been having strong and frequent braxton hicks contractions for the past couple weeks prior to D-day, and while I thought that might be indicative of soon-impending labor, I also didn't think much into it because I had been having braxton hicks since I was around 20 weeks. I was a week away from my due date, and as most pregnant women in their final week, I was anxious for her to come because I didn't want to be overdue and/or induced. And according to a recent check-up, I was neither dilated nor effaced, so I was anticipating being overdue. But I prayed about it because I knew that induction increases the chance of complications, C-sections and also the likelihood of receiving an epidural. Additionally, my midwife was suggesting she strip my membranes if I didn't go into labor within the week; my only thoughts about that were: "Ouch", "yuck", and "nope". I was starting to have a lot of anxiety about being overdue and having to be induced or other possibilities. So, I literally prayed about this and several minutes later, I got my first contraction. It was around 10pm. It was bedtime; I prayed, turned out the lights, and went to sleep. As I was laying down, I felt it. Having never experienced a contraction before, I was initially unsure that that was what it was. It is difficult to explain how it felt, but it was just really uncomfortable and felt like an intense cramp. It definitely woke me up, but I blew it off as the baby grinding against my bladder or pelvis. But as I lay, half asleep in bed, I began reasoning with myself, reminding myself that the baby "grinding against my bladder" never felt painful, let alone this painful, just different. Again, I blew it off and began drifting back to sleep until it happened again. It was so uncomfortable, I tried to get up while it was happening but it hurt to move or change positions. I had to wait until it was over to get up. At this point, I was partially excited and partially worried. I knew that this was definitely something happening but worried that if it wasn't labor, it had to be something else wrong with me. Before waking EA, I waited to see if it happened again...and about 10 minutes later, it did! I was now more certain that this was, indeed, labor. (It takes a lot to convince me, apparently). At this point I woke him and told him that I thought I was having contractions. So he started timing them and, sure enough, more were coming. He texted his NCOs to let them know he wouldn't be coming in today since I was in labor, but I didn't want him to do that, in case I wasn't in labor. (Despite obvious contractions, I guess I still needed more convincing). I told him that if I got three more of these "painful episodes", I would then be convinced that it was labor. Haha. Well, they came, now at about 5-8 minute intervals, and they were stronger. Finally, I was convinced! And excited! I called labor and delivery and they told me to come in once I have been having contractions every 3-5 minutes, consistently, for an hour. So, I got out my birthing ball and started laboring at home while EA packed our hospital bag. (No, we didn't have it fully backed, even days before my due date.) I wanted to labor as long as possible at home so that I would limit the opportunities anyone could push an epidural on me. Earlier in my pregnancy, I went to a L&D tour with some pregnant friends and the anesthesiologist kind of ridiculed the idea of a woman opting out of an epidural when she had an opportunity to instantly escape excruciating pain. He obviously doesn't get or he is just interested in getting a paycheck. I am betting on the latter. Anyway, I called my mom to tell her the news, but hung up with her every time a contraction came because, at this point, it was getting difficult to talk during contractions. My mom was actually surprised that my contractions were progressing and intensifying so quickly. Fast forward a few hours, and it was about 4:30am. By this time, I was getting contractions ever 1-5 minutes and they were extremely intense. I knew it was time for us to go to the hospital and probably should have left a while ago.
I remember standing up to put a little makeup on and brush my teeth before we left, but had to immediately sit down because getting a contraction while I was standing was excruciating and paralyzing! I couldn't move for the entire contraction! I don't even know how to describe it, but I'll try. It felt like Ryu fired a close range hadouken to my core, at the same time as someone shooting me with a taser, at the same time as MMA fighter, Cung Le, punching me. Ya, that's about right. Anyway, at this point, EA was rushing to get the car seat and birthing ball into the car and we finally left. I started progressing really fast and by the time I got into the car, my contractions were around every 1-2 minutes and they were so intense that I was no longer talking, laughing and back to normal in-between. (I later learned I was having abnormal and intense cluster contractions, caused by the baby's position). EA literally had to pull the car over and put the hazard lights on at every contraction because the movement of the car was making them a hundred times worse! Finally, at about 6am, we got to labor and delivery! I had been laboring for 8 hours at home and so, I was anxious for them to admit me! And they did! I was 100% effaced and 4cm. They asked me for my birth plan and whether or not I wanted an epidural. I declined the epidural but told them it wasn't completely out of the question. The admitting nurse was a jerk to me, too. Fortunately, she wasn't my L&D nurse (who were amazing, by the way). But when I told her I didn't want an epidural, she went on to tell me that that was dumb because labor was going to get 100 times worse, even though I was already in active labor. Thanks for the info!… And then I was off to the birthing room..
Monday, August 12, 2013
Pregnancy Reflection
I really want to kick myself for not writing often enough, because by the time I sit down to write a post, I already have multiple topics to expend on. Like, for example, I wanted to write a final pregnancy post on the great things and not-so-great things about pregnancy. And I also wanted to write a post reflecting on my delivery, when the time came. And then a post reflecting on my first week of pregnancy. Well, looks like I'll have to either write three posts today or spread them out because I had my precious baby 2 weeks ago on July 30th! She is now 13 days old and I have a lot to say! So, I will write a 3 part entry and will make it quick because my free time is quite diminished these days, lol!
Pregnancy Reflection
Looking back, pregnancy was amazing. There were times when I would have laughed at hearing the future me say that, but it's true. There are days, with my newborn, where I wish I was pregnant again. I would still have my daughter with me, but I also would still have my free schedule and my sleep. Despite the physical discomforts which are ever-present for 9 months, except for a small window in the beautiful 2nd trimester, pregnancy is a beautiful experience. I look at my daughter, sleeping...finally...and her gorgeous little face...and realize that these past nine months, she has been developing from a tiny little imperceptible cell to a full-fledged baby. God used my body to make this little beautiful miracle. Awesome!
If I had any advice that I could give to pregnant moms, which I did not value enough, it's this: SLEEP NOW! SLEEP! You think your sleeping is disrupted by frequent trips to the bathroom and that a newborn will disrupt your sleep in a similar pattern-only waking you a few times a night, between periods of peaceful sleep. But this is wrong. When a newborn comes, she takes ALL your time. I hardly ever sleep. I'm up all night. And I'm exhausted. There are times when I miss being uncomfortably pregnant but well rested. Please sleep while you still can..lol!
The most annoying thing about pregnancy was having everyone touching, rubbing and patting my belly. It was very uncomfortable and I felt like my personal space had somehow been devoured my expanding belly. I never knew how to ask people to refrain because I didn't want to be offensive. But next time, I will. Because no one is trying to make me uncomfortable, so I know it won't be a problem to let them know when I am. However, take advantage of the attention you get when you're pregnant. While it can be overwhelming and even intrusive, at times, it is the only time strangers go out of their way to strike up conversations at you, give you friendly smiles and offer seats, assistance and help for you! That is something really nice about pregnancy. :)
The hands-down, best thing about pregnancy was feeling the baby move around inside of me. That is when we really started to bond as mother and daughter. It was reassuring and amazing! I often found myself awaking at night to her little nudges and kicks. To me, it seems that this is where a mother's attentiveness to her child begins. You know, that maternal instinctual reflex that tells you what your baby needs before she expresses it or that causes you to startle awake whenever she makes an unfamiliar and new sound. It begins with the kicks, in my opinion.
The last month of pregnancy was the most difficult, physically, but also the most exciting. Even though I couldn't see me feet, my belly was being stretched beyond what I felt was full capacity, I felt and looked like a blimp, I had constant heartburn, I was achy, etc., I had the excitement of knowing my baby was nearing her debut! The first month of pregnancy was the absolute worst. I knew I still had months to go and morning sickness was kicking my butt and keeping me glued to the path between my bed and the toilet.
Pregnancy was tough but the most amazing experience! Probably my bit of the most invaluable advice I could give to first time pregnant moms and even myself in any subsequent pregnancies is to not over-stress! There are so many guidelines, rules and warnings that are doled out these days and they can really cause a lot of stress and over-caution. Especially for girls like me, haha. I scrutinized everything I did, everything I ate and drank and even everywhere I went. Definitely exercise caution, always, but don't allow the caution to override your enjoyment of pregnancy! As many wise women told me, several times, women have been doing this for thousands of years without the aid of books and stringent medical advice!
Pregnancy was amazing and now I have my little newborn in my arms! I am going to write about labor and life with a newborn soon! I don't get many chances to write and when I do, it's with one hand...BUT I will write them soon! :)
Pregnancy Reflection
Looking back, pregnancy was amazing. There were times when I would have laughed at hearing the future me say that, but it's true. There are days, with my newborn, where I wish I was pregnant again. I would still have my daughter with me, but I also would still have my free schedule and my sleep. Despite the physical discomforts which are ever-present for 9 months, except for a small window in the beautiful 2nd trimester, pregnancy is a beautiful experience. I look at my daughter, sleeping...finally...and her gorgeous little face...and realize that these past nine months, she has been developing from a tiny little imperceptible cell to a full-fledged baby. God used my body to make this little beautiful miracle. Awesome!
If I had any advice that I could give to pregnant moms, which I did not value enough, it's this: SLEEP NOW! SLEEP! You think your sleeping is disrupted by frequent trips to the bathroom and that a newborn will disrupt your sleep in a similar pattern-only waking you a few times a night, between periods of peaceful sleep. But this is wrong. When a newborn comes, she takes ALL your time. I hardly ever sleep. I'm up all night. And I'm exhausted. There are times when I miss being uncomfortably pregnant but well rested. Please sleep while you still can..lol!
The most annoying thing about pregnancy was having everyone touching, rubbing and patting my belly. It was very uncomfortable and I felt like my personal space had somehow been devoured my expanding belly. I never knew how to ask people to refrain because I didn't want to be offensive. But next time, I will. Because no one is trying to make me uncomfortable, so I know it won't be a problem to let them know when I am. However, take advantage of the attention you get when you're pregnant. While it can be overwhelming and even intrusive, at times, it is the only time strangers go out of their way to strike up conversations at you, give you friendly smiles and offer seats, assistance and help for you! That is something really nice about pregnancy. :)
The hands-down, best thing about pregnancy was feeling the baby move around inside of me. That is when we really started to bond as mother and daughter. It was reassuring and amazing! I often found myself awaking at night to her little nudges and kicks. To me, it seems that this is where a mother's attentiveness to her child begins. You know, that maternal instinctual reflex that tells you what your baby needs before she expresses it or that causes you to startle awake whenever she makes an unfamiliar and new sound. It begins with the kicks, in my opinion.
The last month of pregnancy was the most difficult, physically, but also the most exciting. Even though I couldn't see me feet, my belly was being stretched beyond what I felt was full capacity, I felt and looked like a blimp, I had constant heartburn, I was achy, etc., I had the excitement of knowing my baby was nearing her debut! The first month of pregnancy was the absolute worst. I knew I still had months to go and morning sickness was kicking my butt and keeping me glued to the path between my bed and the toilet.
Pregnancy was tough but the most amazing experience! Probably my bit of the most invaluable advice I could give to first time pregnant moms and even myself in any subsequent pregnancies is to not over-stress! There are so many guidelines, rules and warnings that are doled out these days and they can really cause a lot of stress and over-caution. Especially for girls like me, haha. I scrutinized everything I did, everything I ate and drank and even everywhere I went. Definitely exercise caution, always, but don't allow the caution to override your enjoyment of pregnancy! As many wise women told me, several times, women have been doing this for thousands of years without the aid of books and stringent medical advice!
Pregnancy was amazing and now I have my little newborn in my arms! I am going to write about labor and life with a newborn soon! I don't get many chances to write and when I do, it's with one hand...BUT I will write them soon! :)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Pregnancy Updates- 31 Weeks!
Wow, so I haven't written a new post since I was 23 weeks. I am now 31 weeks! Yay, 9 weeks until I get to hold my sweet baby girl in my arms! I can tell you, it's hard for me to sit and write for a long time on my laptop like I usually do, because my back starts to hurt. Yes, pregnancy does a body good.. Haha. Since entering the 3rd and FINAL trimester, I have found that the fatigue which gripped me in the first trimester has returned. Although, it is more intense this time around. Morning sickness was my biggest complaint in the 1st trimester. This trimester, it's the fatigue and back pain. I know a lot of women claim that the 2nd trimester was their favorite stage of pregnancy, but I have to say, this trimester has been my favorite so far. Yes, physical discomfort never seems to cease, I wake up about five times a night, I get constant remarks from annoying strangers (mainly men) about how my due date must have been yesterday because I am huge (thanks, folks), I am clumsy and forgetful (pregnancy brain is real!), my back always hurts (my back feels like a Q-tip with weights attached to the front), etc. However, I am finally in the single digits with my countdown to meeting my daughter! And I get to feel her practice her tendus and grande battements (yes, she is going to be a ballet dancer like her mommy...if she wants). I love putting my hand over her little feet as they move underneath my belly in little waves. I love feeling her little head and fingers at my lower tummy and her little booty scoot below my ribs when I sit up. I already knew her position but it was confirmed to me when we went to get a 3D/4D ultrasound done and actually got a sneak peak at our beautiful little girl. At one point she was wriggling her little fingers and I could actually feel them as we watched this on the screen. It was awesome. :)
I'm also happy that mostly all of the routine prenatal tests are finished and behind me. Particularly the glucose screening at 28 weeks. I don't know why, but I was dreading that test for a while. It wasn't as bad as people say, though. I had to drink a cold, orange drink that tasted like flat soda that has been sitting around in the hot sun for several days and then, subsequently, refrigerated. It was like a buttload of orange sugar (like my beautiful simile?) The only side effects were that I was initially a little woozy. I don't know if this was because I was nervous or because it was like downing a buttload of sugar. But that feeling subsided and I went to the hematology lab an hour later to get my blood drawn. They even gave me an orange camouflage bandage, considering I'm an Army wife and my baby is an Army baby (hate the term "brat"). I actually was eyeing the pink bandage, but it's fine.. I'm in a Centering Pregnancy group and my providers are really responsive, which I appreciate so much. So, I actually got my results back within 2 hours. I passed! Needless to say, I celebrated with ice cream. Hey, calcium is in ice cream. :) But for anyone else who is fretting about that test, don't stress. I know I'm partially hypocritical for advising other pregnant moms not to dwell, worry or stress about anything, but I know it's not necessary. I have no excuse because my God has instructed me not to be anxious about anything! Yes, Lord! But really, the test is no biggy. :)
Probably the biggest thing on my mommy mind right now is whether or not I am going to get an epidural during labor. I had never given it much thought. I figured I would just get one. I mean, that is the general consensus when it comes to routine labor now, right? But now that I am closer to my due date, I have been shifting my focus to that special day. What will be on my birth plan, for one thing. Yes, I am going to do one of those because I want to at least have reasonable control over what goes on during that day, as well as who is going to be involved. Sorry, but I am not going to be a class spectacle, surrounded by observing medical students and interns on the day of my daughter's introduction to the world.
On a related side note, I have gotten a lot of comments from people, telling me that I won't actually care who is there in that moment, because it won't matter to me with so much going on. Assuredly, I can tell you, it will. Those who have made that comment obviously don't know me very well. Hahah. But of course, unsolicited advice and opinions from strangers and acquaintances are, unfortunately, an inevitable effect of being pregnant. :/ It really bothers me when people offer unwarranted and opinionated commentary on how I will handle my pregnancy, my labor and my first year as a mother. I love getting positive advice and hearing about what worked for you/what didn't, but I don't particularly like when it turns into "You WILL end up doing this..."; "You WILL change your mind about..."; "You WON'T care about your privacy, your dignity, your previous stances on... etc., etc." I really think women need to respect each other and acknowledge the fact that we have different approaches, with various personalities and preferences when it comes to this experience, and especially, the privacy of it. Now of course, it's worth noting that most women who say things like this have no malicious intent and are not trying to be offensive, but it does become as bothersome as the "Wow, you're huge!" comments I tend to get while standing in line at the supermarket (Did I just say "supermarket" instead of "grocery store"?). We should skip the petty and complacent discussions, and instead, encourage each other, bonding over the fact that we are growing/have grown sweet little babies in our wombs! :D Anyway, as usual, I digress, probably because I was venting a minor frustration, which of course, balloons into a massive frustration due to pregnancy. :)
So, getting back on topic, I have been focusing on my birth plan and also, the question of whether or not I want to opt for a natural birth without pain medication. I have prayed about it, because ya, it's a little frightening to think about it. I have prayed for the confidence and assurance to do it and to actually make up my mind and commit to it. My husband is completely supportive of whatever I decide, but it's been a difficult decision to solidify because I don't have a lot of friends who have chosen that route and can offer support or advice. Most of my friends are urging me to just get the epidural. However, two of my friends have had natural births and are enthusiastically encouraging me. I really want to accomplish this and do it. I don't want to over-think or overcomplicate it, as I tend to do, but I do want to be thoroughly prepared. How do I find the medium between over-thinking and being thoroughly prepared? I have exactly 2 months until it's go-time. I don't want to psyche myself out by researching the minute details of what exactly happens to your body during this process, but I don't want to diminish the intensity of the experience, either. Can't I be blissfully ignorant? I mean, isn't it kind of like when a little kid falls down and skins his knee; he doesn't start crying, even though he feels pain, until he sees the gaping, bloody, vicious wound throbbing on his leg. So maybe I should just keep myself a little naive. I don't know... I'm tired and words are falling out of my brain and onto this post in a stream of consciousness and it's starting to look like a bowl of alphabet soup to me. See, I'm over-thinking it. Ok, bottom line: I know I am capable of doing it. Our bodies were designed by the Lord to perform and endure labor and women have been doing it naturally since the beginning of time. Bam!
The difficult thing is making a conscious decision to refuse pain medication that lingers, alluringly in front of my face; it's like walking through a desert with a sparkling stream flowing right beside you and refusing to quench your thirst. Maybe it's nothing like that. But Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, and he could've turned that stone into bread at any moment. And he endured the cross, even though he could have gotten down at any moment. Love kept Him on that cross, and his commitment to rescuing us. Obviously these are extreme parallels, and something as natural as childbirth pales in comparison to everything that Jesus did. But maybe the act of commitment, enforced by the power of a motivating factor can be a way of looking at natural childbirth. Jesus always demonstrated motivated commitment through the constant suffering He endured for us (we were his motivation). And we demonstrate motivated commitment through the act of denying oneself, which the Bible instructs us to do, to deny our flesh on a daily basis (our motivation is Him). Pregnancy and motherhood is a constant illustration of motivated commitment, too (our motivation being our children).So maybe if I go through with this, I will be practicing commitment, endurance and perseverance. And don't we practice that anytime we are traversing through a desert and resisting the urge to gulp down the adjacent stream, for whatever reason? Our entire lives with Christ, we are running a race, the finish line being Jesus's outstretched arms that embrace us the moment after we breathe our last breath. The Holy Spirit is always running along side of us, handing us cups of water when we thirst and blowing a breeze over us when we are overheating. He gives us strength when we need it, so this won't be any different. Maybe my focus has been in the wrong place; I have been relying on my own efforts to allow me to accomplish this goal, when I should be relying on the Lord.
Many women who choose this route do not need a huge blog post to encourage themselves, but see, I do not like pain and I am ambivalent about this decision. I cannot do it without the support of my husband and the strength of my Jesus. But each day, I am gaining more confidence and the Lord is shedding light to reveal those around me who've been through it. One of my friends told me you feel like a total beast afterward! Haha. I want to reach beast mode!! My plan is to have worship music and prayer infiltrating my birthing atmosphere and let my focus be on the Holy Spirit. I envision myself drawing strength from Him like water from a well. That will be my motivation. Maybe it's just that simple.
Psalm 127:3- "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."
I'm also happy that mostly all of the routine prenatal tests are finished and behind me. Particularly the glucose screening at 28 weeks. I don't know why, but I was dreading that test for a while. It wasn't as bad as people say, though. I had to drink a cold, orange drink that tasted like flat soda that has been sitting around in the hot sun for several days and then, subsequently, refrigerated. It was like a buttload of orange sugar (like my beautiful simile?) The only side effects were that I was initially a little woozy. I don't know if this was because I was nervous or because it was like downing a buttload of sugar. But that feeling subsided and I went to the hematology lab an hour later to get my blood drawn. They even gave me an orange camouflage bandage, considering I'm an Army wife and my baby is an Army baby (hate the term "brat"). I actually was eyeing the pink bandage, but it's fine.. I'm in a Centering Pregnancy group and my providers are really responsive, which I appreciate so much. So, I actually got my results back within 2 hours. I passed! Needless to say, I celebrated with ice cream. Hey, calcium is in ice cream. :) But for anyone else who is fretting about that test, don't stress. I know I'm partially hypocritical for advising other pregnant moms not to dwell, worry or stress about anything, but I know it's not necessary. I have no excuse because my God has instructed me not to be anxious about anything! Yes, Lord! But really, the test is no biggy. :)
Probably the biggest thing on my mommy mind right now is whether or not I am going to get an epidural during labor. I had never given it much thought. I figured I would just get one. I mean, that is the general consensus when it comes to routine labor now, right? But now that I am closer to my due date, I have been shifting my focus to that special day. What will be on my birth plan, for one thing. Yes, I am going to do one of those because I want to at least have reasonable control over what goes on during that day, as well as who is going to be involved. Sorry, but I am not going to be a class spectacle, surrounded by observing medical students and interns on the day of my daughter's introduction to the world.
On a related side note, I have gotten a lot of comments from people, telling me that I won't actually care who is there in that moment, because it won't matter to me with so much going on. Assuredly, I can tell you, it will. Those who have made that comment obviously don't know me very well. Hahah. But of course, unsolicited advice and opinions from strangers and acquaintances are, unfortunately, an inevitable effect of being pregnant. :/ It really bothers me when people offer unwarranted and opinionated commentary on how I will handle my pregnancy, my labor and my first year as a mother. I love getting positive advice and hearing about what worked for you/what didn't, but I don't particularly like when it turns into "You WILL end up doing this..."; "You WILL change your mind about..."; "You WON'T care about your privacy, your dignity, your previous stances on... etc., etc." I really think women need to respect each other and acknowledge the fact that we have different approaches, with various personalities and preferences when it comes to this experience, and especially, the privacy of it. Now of course, it's worth noting that most women who say things like this have no malicious intent and are not trying to be offensive, but it does become as bothersome as the "Wow, you're huge!" comments I tend to get while standing in line at the supermarket (Did I just say "supermarket" instead of "grocery store"?). We should skip the petty and complacent discussions, and instead, encourage each other, bonding over the fact that we are growing/have grown sweet little babies in our wombs! :D Anyway, as usual, I digress, probably because I was venting a minor frustration, which of course, balloons into a massive frustration due to pregnancy. :)
So, getting back on topic, I have been focusing on my birth plan and also, the question of whether or not I want to opt for a natural birth without pain medication. I have prayed about it, because ya, it's a little frightening to think about it. I have prayed for the confidence and assurance to do it and to actually make up my mind and commit to it. My husband is completely supportive of whatever I decide, but it's been a difficult decision to solidify because I don't have a lot of friends who have chosen that route and can offer support or advice. Most of my friends are urging me to just get the epidural. However, two of my friends have had natural births and are enthusiastically encouraging me. I really want to accomplish this and do it. I don't want to over-think or overcomplicate it, as I tend to do, but I do want to be thoroughly prepared. How do I find the medium between over-thinking and being thoroughly prepared? I have exactly 2 months until it's go-time. I don't want to psyche myself out by researching the minute details of what exactly happens to your body during this process, but I don't want to diminish the intensity of the experience, either. Can't I be blissfully ignorant? I mean, isn't it kind of like when a little kid falls down and skins his knee; he doesn't start crying, even though he feels pain, until he sees the gaping, bloody, vicious wound throbbing on his leg. So maybe I should just keep myself a little naive. I don't know... I'm tired and words are falling out of my brain and onto this post in a stream of consciousness and it's starting to look like a bowl of alphabet soup to me. See, I'm over-thinking it. Ok, bottom line: I know I am capable of doing it. Our bodies were designed by the Lord to perform and endure labor and women have been doing it naturally since the beginning of time. Bam!
The difficult thing is making a conscious decision to refuse pain medication that lingers, alluringly in front of my face; it's like walking through a desert with a sparkling stream flowing right beside you and refusing to quench your thirst. Maybe it's nothing like that. But Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, and he could've turned that stone into bread at any moment. And he endured the cross, even though he could have gotten down at any moment. Love kept Him on that cross, and his commitment to rescuing us. Obviously these are extreme parallels, and something as natural as childbirth pales in comparison to everything that Jesus did. But maybe the act of commitment, enforced by the power of a motivating factor can be a way of looking at natural childbirth. Jesus always demonstrated motivated commitment through the constant suffering He endured for us (we were his motivation). And we demonstrate motivated commitment through the act of denying oneself, which the Bible instructs us to do, to deny our flesh on a daily basis (our motivation is Him). Pregnancy and motherhood is a constant illustration of motivated commitment, too (our motivation being our children).So maybe if I go through with this, I will be practicing commitment, endurance and perseverance. And don't we practice that anytime we are traversing through a desert and resisting the urge to gulp down the adjacent stream, for whatever reason? Our entire lives with Christ, we are running a race, the finish line being Jesus's outstretched arms that embrace us the moment after we breathe our last breath. The Holy Spirit is always running along side of us, handing us cups of water when we thirst and blowing a breeze over us when we are overheating. He gives us strength when we need it, so this won't be any different. Maybe my focus has been in the wrong place; I have been relying on my own efforts to allow me to accomplish this goal, when I should be relying on the Lord.
Many women who choose this route do not need a huge blog post to encourage themselves, but see, I do not like pain and I am ambivalent about this decision. I cannot do it without the support of my husband and the strength of my Jesus. But each day, I am gaining more confidence and the Lord is shedding light to reveal those around me who've been through it. One of my friends told me you feel like a total beast afterward! Haha. I want to reach beast mode!! My plan is to have worship music and prayer infiltrating my birthing atmosphere and let my focus be on the Holy Spirit. I envision myself drawing strength from Him like water from a well. That will be my motivation. Maybe it's just that simple.
Psalm 127:3- "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."
Monday, April 15, 2013
The Mercy Seat and Throne of Grace
Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."
Unfortunately, I tend to be a perfectionist. And I get flustered and upset when things go outside of my perfect little molds and compartments. And pregnancy has amplified this habit of mine, because it's easy to get stressed and over-think everything. So, many times I have gone before the Lord to vent, complain, whine, etc., etc. I know it's silly because I can sometimes make mountains out of little molehill issues. And I know I look like a big silly, but he's my dad and that's what I do. I cast my cares upon him and he sets me straight and reminds me that he is commander of my life and captain of my ship...not me. And I realize my Father is, indeed, God.
However, I have heard many people say that they don't want to put their cares upon God because he has much bigger issues to deal with and there are people who have worse situations that need attending to. This thought is a lie planted discreetly in the soil of the human mind. 1 Peter 5:7 says "Cast your cares (anxieties, worries, fears, burdens) upon him because he cares for you." Psalm 55:22 says to "Cast your burden upon the Lord and he shall sustain you; he will never allow the righteous to be moved." Matthew 11:28-30 says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
In fact, didn't Jesus put himself up on the cross, specifically to carry your burden, your sin, your sickness, your fears, your confusion, and your anxieties? Jesus poured himself out for us so that we could pour ourselves onto him. Crucified on that cross with him was everything that keeps him from us and us from him. Our sin keeps us distanced from God. It leaves us separated from him and unable to have a relationship with him. But he died so that we would become as spotless and sinless as Jesus. 2 Corinthians 8:9 says "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich." He literally left the glory of heaven, and went down into the pits of hell to pull us out, just so that we could join him in the glory of heaven, in the glory of the Father, in the glory of his Spirit, in the glory of The King.
Isaiah 1:18 says, "Come now, and let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." But not only did he sacrifice himself for the things that keep him from us, but also the things that keep us from going to him. Our confusion about his grace, about his opinion of us, about what we must do to attain salvation, our legalism, our pride, our fear, our misperceptions about God or church or other Christians...he died to not just clean our slate but to clear our minds. We need to let him refresh our ideas and our perceived knowledge. That's why he says that we literally get a new heart when we receive Jesus (Ezekiel 36:26). Because if he were to leave us with our old hearts but wipe away our sin, we would go right back to our sinful ways. It'd be like treating the symptoms but not the disease; though the symptoms may improve, they will always stick around because the disease is still reproducing the symptoms. But thank God, he gives us new hearts. Jesus gives a really cool illustration of this in Matthew 9:17 (you don't pour new wine into old wineskins). That's why you hear so many Christians who say they used to be drug addicts, homosexuals, suicidal, alcoholics, violent tempers, ex-cult members, ex-criminals, etc, etc. Jesus gave them a new heart, which changed their very nature and their past inclination toward sin became an inclination toward Jesus. It's like how Jesus says bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33); the old, sinful, dirty heart is like a bad friend who influences you to do the wrong thing. But the new heart is like trading that friend in for a love affair with Jesus. Jesus doesn't just free us in the moment of accumulated sin. He frees us from the darkness, from the world, where sin is a part of society; he frees us from the very atmosphere where sin lives. That's why we say we are in the world but not of the world (John 15:19).
Anyway, I digress, but what I'm trying to say is that God loves, LOVES, when we come to him with our cares. I know I can be a handful, which is why I am so grateful that I have a God whose hands can hold the entirety of creation. My shortcomings are not overwhelming to Him. His grace is sufficient and his power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He's Abba Father, Yahweh, Messiah, King of Kings, the Comforter, the Counselor..there are SO many names that describe his goodness.You can trust that God is the absolute of all goodness (1 John 1:5). He died so that we can come to him, freely. Simple as that. And your anxiety over your job or marriage or thoughts, or just your day, in general, is just as important to him as the "bigger" issues of this world. Too many Christians get caught up in works and how to get God's attention. Too many people try to find the perfect gift to give him before they can approach his throne. Well, guess what? Everything is his, so what can you possibly give him that he doesn't already have? Our most precious gift to God is our hearts. That's all we need give. I admit, I have gotten caught up in legalism before, and works and not wanting to "waste" an omnipotent God's time. But then, Jesus set me straight. And I am so glad, because, honestly, I don't know what I would do if I couldn't approach the mercy seat and the throne of grace at my time of need. I don't know what I would do if Jesus wasn't always in my boat, calming every storm with one command. What would I do if I didn't have my Jesus to pull me to the surface when the water is over my head. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't just come up to my Savior's beautiful feet and lay my head upon his lap and just be in his presence. Remember, He is omnipresent, which means he is everywhere at once. So he is just as much all yours as he is all mine. He is my peace. He is my reason. He's my best friend. He's my daddy. He's my Lord. He's my everything. He's my sustenance and I need him more than anything. I'm so glad that I can boldly approach my Father's throne. <3
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