So, now I was in the labor room. And to make a long, long story short.. I did end up having crazy contractions, which they called cluster contractions. This type didn't give me much of a break. Nothing prepared me for the intensity. Not the little exercises in the birthing classes, like grasping ice in our hands for an entire minute. Not the millions of books I read. Not vicarious encounters. Nothing.
I watched the machine as it recorded my contractions and spit out the thin paper. They no longer looked like a row of mountains, but like ubiquitous plateaus. That flat, horizontal line scratched across the page. Like a desert. I felt like I was walking it. Dragging my feet in the sand as the sun pelted down its rays on me. And my belly was pulling me down, wanting to drop like rain and rest below me. My belly was shapeshifting. Stiffening, tightening, curling up into a ball before expanding like an exploding star. That flat, horizontal line which illustrated the peak and plateau of my contractions. I was tightrope walking on it. My belly kept me centered, prevented me from falling off. I held my breath as the pain pulsed and then I let it go. I walked that thin, seemingly eternal tightrope line. And I looked down and saw clouds. And below the clouds, seemingly eternal desert plain. And I carried the raine.
And just as I thought I would fall off the last plateau..jump off like a diver off a cliff. Crash, face first into quiet sea foam, below. Let the cool blue and quiet grey absorb me. I felt the arms that always catch me, heal me, help me, protect me, deliver me. Deliver her. His face and smile. Warm breeze. Cool mist. Reassurance.
There were some complications. Nothing major. But I ended up with a fever during labor. Hence, the desert sun.. So, they had to administer precautionary antibiotics to me and the baby. But she was fine. Perfectly and perfect.
When I first saw her. She was violetpink. She was the most beautiful child, person, single-living thing, I had ever laid eyes on. And when they laid her on my chest. And for the first time, her blue gem eyes locked onto my tired eyes. And she stopped crying. And I knew this is my Raine. This is my daughter. And I am her mother. I traversed the desert, that horizontal line. And He offered me a cool drink.
Fevered
Sun pelted down
Crawling on hands
And knees in the desert
plain
stretching
Plateau
Until
I held
my breath
When I saw
You
and
Waited for your breath
To first begin
You
Violet
Pink and grey
Tiny
And now I
Think and say
That moment defined
This current smile
That flickers and illuminates
My face
Everlasting love
I held you
for a long while
And your crying
quelled
By our
forever bond
Your squinting eyes
Trying to focus in
On this
Thing
This wayward world
I focus in on
You
You are
my Raine
Adorned
pearled
Gentle hands
And gently falling from the clouds
Dazzling
drops
Dripping
seeping through heaven's
Winding white sheets
Monday, September 2, 2013
Labor and Birth: Part 1
Ok, so I have another moment to write a blog since I actually got my daughter to sleep-and stay asleep- in her bouncer, but I'm not sure how long that will last, so I will try and make this brief! So, as previously stated in my last post, my daughter, Violet Raine was born on July 30, 2013! She is 5 weeks old tomorrow! I don't have time to divulge every detail of my labor, but here is a brief recap of that blessed day!
I had been having strong and frequent braxton hicks contractions for the past couple weeks prior to D-day, and while I thought that might be indicative of soon-impending labor, I also didn't think much into it because I had been having braxton hicks since I was around 20 weeks. I was a week away from my due date, and as most pregnant women in their final week, I was anxious for her to come because I didn't want to be overdue and/or induced. And according to a recent check-up, I was neither dilated nor effaced, so I was anticipating being overdue. But I prayed about it because I knew that induction increases the chance of complications, C-sections and also the likelihood of receiving an epidural. Additionally, my midwife was suggesting she strip my membranes if I didn't go into labor within the week; my only thoughts about that were: "Ouch", "yuck", and "nope". I was starting to have a lot of anxiety about being overdue and having to be induced or other possibilities. So, I literally prayed about this and several minutes later, I got my first contraction. It was around 10pm. It was bedtime; I prayed, turned out the lights, and went to sleep. As I was laying down, I felt it. Having never experienced a contraction before, I was initially unsure that that was what it was. It is difficult to explain how it felt, but it was just really uncomfortable and felt like an intense cramp. It definitely woke me up, but I blew it off as the baby grinding against my bladder or pelvis. But as I lay, half asleep in bed, I began reasoning with myself, reminding myself that the baby "grinding against my bladder" never felt painful, let alone this painful, just different. Again, I blew it off and began drifting back to sleep until it happened again. It was so uncomfortable, I tried to get up while it was happening but it hurt to move or change positions. I had to wait until it was over to get up. At this point, I was partially excited and partially worried. I knew that this was definitely something happening but worried that if it wasn't labor, it had to be something else wrong with me. Before waking EA, I waited to see if it happened again...and about 10 minutes later, it did! I was now more certain that this was, indeed, labor. (It takes a lot to convince me, apparently). At this point I woke him and told him that I thought I was having contractions. So he started timing them and, sure enough, more were coming. He texted his NCOs to let them know he wouldn't be coming in today since I was in labor, but I didn't want him to do that, in case I wasn't in labor. (Despite obvious contractions, I guess I still needed more convincing). I told him that if I got three more of these "painful episodes", I would then be convinced that it was labor. Haha. Well, they came, now at about 5-8 minute intervals, and they were stronger. Finally, I was convinced! And excited! I called labor and delivery and they told me to come in once I have been having contractions every 3-5 minutes, consistently, for an hour. So, I got out my birthing ball and started laboring at home while EA packed our hospital bag. (No, we didn't have it fully backed, even days before my due date.) I wanted to labor as long as possible at home so that I would limit the opportunities anyone could push an epidural on me. Earlier in my pregnancy, I went to a L&D tour with some pregnant friends and the anesthesiologist kind of ridiculed the idea of a woman opting out of an epidural when she had an opportunity to instantly escape excruciating pain. He obviously doesn't get or he is just interested in getting a paycheck. I am betting on the latter. Anyway, I called my mom to tell her the news, but hung up with her every time a contraction came because, at this point, it was getting difficult to talk during contractions. My mom was actually surprised that my contractions were progressing and intensifying so quickly. Fast forward a few hours, and it was about 4:30am. By this time, I was getting contractions ever 1-5 minutes and they were extremely intense. I knew it was time for us to go to the hospital and probably should have left a while ago.
I remember standing up to put a little makeup on and brush my teeth before we left, but had to immediately sit down because getting a contraction while I was standing was excruciating and paralyzing! I couldn't move for the entire contraction! I don't even know how to describe it, but I'll try. It felt like Ryu fired a close range hadouken to my core, at the same time as someone shooting me with a taser, at the same time as MMA fighter, Cung Le, punching me. Ya, that's about right. Anyway, at this point, EA was rushing to get the car seat and birthing ball into the car and we finally left. I started progressing really fast and by the time I got into the car, my contractions were around every 1-2 minutes and they were so intense that I was no longer talking, laughing and back to normal in-between. (I later learned I was having abnormal and intense cluster contractions, caused by the baby's position). EA literally had to pull the car over and put the hazard lights on at every contraction because the movement of the car was making them a hundred times worse! Finally, at about 6am, we got to labor and delivery! I had been laboring for 8 hours at home and so, I was anxious for them to admit me! And they did! I was 100% effaced and 4cm. They asked me for my birth plan and whether or not I wanted an epidural. I declined the epidural but told them it wasn't completely out of the question. The admitting nurse was a jerk to me, too. Fortunately, she wasn't my L&D nurse (who were amazing, by the way). But when I told her I didn't want an epidural, she went on to tell me that that was dumb because labor was going to get 100 times worse, even though I was already in active labor. Thanks for the info!… And then I was off to the birthing room..
I had been having strong and frequent braxton hicks contractions for the past couple weeks prior to D-day, and while I thought that might be indicative of soon-impending labor, I also didn't think much into it because I had been having braxton hicks since I was around 20 weeks. I was a week away from my due date, and as most pregnant women in their final week, I was anxious for her to come because I didn't want to be overdue and/or induced. And according to a recent check-up, I was neither dilated nor effaced, so I was anticipating being overdue. But I prayed about it because I knew that induction increases the chance of complications, C-sections and also the likelihood of receiving an epidural. Additionally, my midwife was suggesting she strip my membranes if I didn't go into labor within the week; my only thoughts about that were: "Ouch", "yuck", and "nope". I was starting to have a lot of anxiety about being overdue and having to be induced or other possibilities. So, I literally prayed about this and several minutes later, I got my first contraction. It was around 10pm. It was bedtime; I prayed, turned out the lights, and went to sleep. As I was laying down, I felt it. Having never experienced a contraction before, I was initially unsure that that was what it was. It is difficult to explain how it felt, but it was just really uncomfortable and felt like an intense cramp. It definitely woke me up, but I blew it off as the baby grinding against my bladder or pelvis. But as I lay, half asleep in bed, I began reasoning with myself, reminding myself that the baby "grinding against my bladder" never felt painful, let alone this painful, just different. Again, I blew it off and began drifting back to sleep until it happened again. It was so uncomfortable, I tried to get up while it was happening but it hurt to move or change positions. I had to wait until it was over to get up. At this point, I was partially excited and partially worried. I knew that this was definitely something happening but worried that if it wasn't labor, it had to be something else wrong with me. Before waking EA, I waited to see if it happened again...and about 10 minutes later, it did! I was now more certain that this was, indeed, labor. (It takes a lot to convince me, apparently). At this point I woke him and told him that I thought I was having contractions. So he started timing them and, sure enough, more were coming. He texted his NCOs to let them know he wouldn't be coming in today since I was in labor, but I didn't want him to do that, in case I wasn't in labor. (Despite obvious contractions, I guess I still needed more convincing). I told him that if I got three more of these "painful episodes", I would then be convinced that it was labor. Haha. Well, they came, now at about 5-8 minute intervals, and they were stronger. Finally, I was convinced! And excited! I called labor and delivery and they told me to come in once I have been having contractions every 3-5 minutes, consistently, for an hour. So, I got out my birthing ball and started laboring at home while EA packed our hospital bag. (No, we didn't have it fully backed, even days before my due date.) I wanted to labor as long as possible at home so that I would limit the opportunities anyone could push an epidural on me. Earlier in my pregnancy, I went to a L&D tour with some pregnant friends and the anesthesiologist kind of ridiculed the idea of a woman opting out of an epidural when she had an opportunity to instantly escape excruciating pain. He obviously doesn't get or he is just interested in getting a paycheck. I am betting on the latter. Anyway, I called my mom to tell her the news, but hung up with her every time a contraction came because, at this point, it was getting difficult to talk during contractions. My mom was actually surprised that my contractions were progressing and intensifying so quickly. Fast forward a few hours, and it was about 4:30am. By this time, I was getting contractions ever 1-5 minutes and they were extremely intense. I knew it was time for us to go to the hospital and probably should have left a while ago.
I remember standing up to put a little makeup on and brush my teeth before we left, but had to immediately sit down because getting a contraction while I was standing was excruciating and paralyzing! I couldn't move for the entire contraction! I don't even know how to describe it, but I'll try. It felt like Ryu fired a close range hadouken to my core, at the same time as someone shooting me with a taser, at the same time as MMA fighter, Cung Le, punching me. Ya, that's about right. Anyway, at this point, EA was rushing to get the car seat and birthing ball into the car and we finally left. I started progressing really fast and by the time I got into the car, my contractions were around every 1-2 minutes and they were so intense that I was no longer talking, laughing and back to normal in-between. (I later learned I was having abnormal and intense cluster contractions, caused by the baby's position). EA literally had to pull the car over and put the hazard lights on at every contraction because the movement of the car was making them a hundred times worse! Finally, at about 6am, we got to labor and delivery! I had been laboring for 8 hours at home and so, I was anxious for them to admit me! And they did! I was 100% effaced and 4cm. They asked me for my birth plan and whether or not I wanted an epidural. I declined the epidural but told them it wasn't completely out of the question. The admitting nurse was a jerk to me, too. Fortunately, she wasn't my L&D nurse (who were amazing, by the way). But when I told her I didn't want an epidural, she went on to tell me that that was dumb because labor was going to get 100 times worse, even though I was already in active labor. Thanks for the info!… And then I was off to the birthing room..
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